The nuptial miss

I was at a wedding a few years ago and apart from the bride and groom, there were only two other couples in the room who were still on their first marriage.

Of around 100 couples, only two were still on their first attempt (the happy couple didn’t count coz you’d expect that to last until after the honeymoon at least). One couple (my now ex-husband and I) has since divorced and the other (my parents) remains married to this day. At least two-thirds of the people I know are divorced and two-thirds of the remaining third has no immediate plans to wed. That leaves a third of a third (saying ‘a sixth’ just doesn’t have the same poetic ring to it) who are either happily married or engaged. Not very encouraging really!
Yet on the other side of the coin, the lovely Josie Cox — who was my bridesmaid on my fateful day — got married last year to the lovely Doug. A few months later one of her (and now my) best friends also got married. A month ago I went to a beautiful wedding and a week ago my sister called me to tell me she’s just got engaged. Dreams of happy ever after abound.
All very confusing really and it bring to mind one question: Is the institution of marriage dead or is it alive and kicking and here to stay?
“I find it almost impossible to envisage being with the same person during this finite and moribund world. The whole excitement of life revolves around new experiences. I challenge anyone to disagree that the child-in-a-sweetshop thrill and emotion of when we first meet someone, is the ultimate buzz. It makes us irrational yet focused, crazy but determined, and creates an electrical buzz of euphoria inside us that overwhelms any other emotion that our logical mind is capable of. I am not promoting promiscuity but stating the sad fact that if you are permanently with the same person then the reality is that you will never be able to experience the chase, the thrill, the danger and ultimately the ‘higher state of consciousness’ that we all need more than once in life!” so says David Beckett. In truth I can totally understand where he’s coming from, in this day and age it seems impractical and unrealistic to tie yourself and remain faithful to one person for the rest of your life — just because I love Maltesers doesn’t mean I feel like having a Twix or two every now and then!
With that said, I’m also a great believer that if and when the right person comes along, nothing and no one can induce you to stray.  The right person will take up your every waking thought and everything you do will be with them in mind.  When you truly love someone, even the best looking of prospect holds no appeal. When you meet that one person that makes you feel like you’re floating on air anytime you are around them, that person that makes the butterflies in your tummy take flight and dance, that person you want to turn to and share every little experience you have with... when that person comes into your life, no other man or woman stands a chance. Laura and Lee Stone got married last year on the seventh anniversary of when they first got together. On her hen-night she turned to me and said “one of the reasons I have no doubt I’m doing the right thing is because after seven years of being together, I still get butterflies in my tummy when he kisses me”.
Asking around in our weekly PoP meeting, I was amazed to find out that the general consensus is yes; most people do want to get married. Not for the ceremony itself or for the traditional values of married life, but for the commitment that it entails and the exclusive bond that it brings to the two people who have decided to spend the rest of their lives together.
As for myself, I’ve been there, done that, got the T-shirt and written the script. I got it over with when I was way too young to make any kind of sensible decision and when it was all over with I promised myself never again. Do I regret it? Not at all, given the chance to go back in time I would do it all again. Not only did I get the most wonderful, handsome, loving and intelligent son out of it, I also learned all the things to avoid the next time round. As for ‘never again’, never say never, because as the years go by and I distance myself more and more from the years I was married I have realised that marriage isn’t the problem or the enemy, it’s ourselves and the people we choose to marry that are the downfall of many a fairytale ending. All too often in this day and age, it’s easy to confuse infatuation with love, excitement with passion and when we live in a world where everything has to be Now! Now! Now! And divorce is never expected but readily available, it’s all too easy to mistake having a good time for a few days, weeks, months for a readiness to stay happy and committed to that one person for the rest of your life.
The institution of marriage isn’t dead, nor do I think it ever will be because even the most ardent wedding basher can’t help but feel that tug of “why not me” in the face of two people who so obviously adore each other that they would each lay down there lives for the happiness of the other. Soppy and rare as it may be, the truth of the matter is that it’s out there and I for one am looking forward to growing old and doddery with my special someone.... And anyway, I need a new toaster!

What they say about marriage

• Getting a dog is like getting married. It teaches you to be less self-centred, to accept sudden, surprising outbursts of affection, and not to be upset by a few scratches on your car.
  — Will Stanton
• My advice to you is to get married. If you find a good wife, you’ll be happy; if not, you’ll become a philosopher.
  — Socrates
• I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewellery.
  — Rita Rudner
• Is not marriage an open question, when it is alleged, from the beginning of the world, that such as are in the institution wish to get out, and such as are out wish to get in?
  — Ralph Waldo Emerson
• Marriage is the alliance of two people, one of whom never remembers birthdays and the other who never forgets.
  — Ogden Nash
• I first learned the concepts of non-violence in my marriage.
  — Mahatma Gandhi
• A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person.
  — Mignon McLaughlin
• If you want to sacrifice the admiration of many men for the criticism of one, go ahead, get married.
  — Katherine Hepburn
• My husband and I have never considered divorce... murder sometimes, but never divorce.
  — Joyce Brothers
• Some people claim that marriage interferes with romance. There’s no doubt about it. Anytime you have a romance, your wife is bound to interfere.
  — Groucho Marx
• There are two dilemmas that rattle the human skull: How do you hang on to someone who won’t stay? And how do you get rid of someone who won’t go?
  — Danny DeVito
• For two people in a marriage to live together day after day is unquestionably the one miracle the Vatican has overlooked.
  — Bill Cosby
• Love at first sight is easy to understand; it’s when two people have been looking at each other for a lifetime that it becomes a miracle.
  — Amy Bloom