Flip through the latest issue of Gulf Weekly.
AH, the elusive fizz of “screen chemistry”. Poor Hayden Christensen and Natalie Portman have made it to No 1 in a “worst screen chemistry” poll, published by the screen advertisers Pearl & Dean, for their sparks-not-flying, fireworks-not-exploding relationship in Star Wars Episode II: Attack Of The Clones.
They are, after all, two of the dullest actors in Hollywood; they are close in age anyway, and Portman is only slightly more feminine than her co-star.
But sexual chemistry is rare, and fleeting, in art as in life. As top male star and top female star emerge from their trailers and warily eye each other on the first day’s principal photography, they may be wondering if this is the right choice for their career, or if their onscreen partner is going to upstage them.
None of these things make for convincing bedroom eyes.
For my money, the worst screen chemistry occurred on the small-screen, between Hollywood star Meg Ryan and TV interviewer Michael Parkinson, when Ryan was over here to promote her steamy thriller In the Cut.
Ryan was haughty; Parkinson was grumpy. It was a horrifying, unwatchable parody of the flirtatious badinage that Hollywood traditionally writes for sexy younger woman meeting worldly older man. Ryan, of course, had famously great chemistry with Billy Crystal in When Harry Met Sally, which might have ruined her chemistry-potential for anyone else. She certainly had zero chemistry with Tom Hanks in You’ve Got Mail.
Hollywood’s most famously awful screen chemistry does not appear in this poll: Marilyn Monroe and Laurence Olivier in The Prince and the Showgirl (1957), a catastrophic non-meeting of hearts and minds.
Larry was reputedly miffed at Marilyn’s reluctance to pay tribute to his legendary reputation, and her unforgivable failure to find him personally attractive.
The bad karma of some real-life couples will affect their onscreen relationship. Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez were always going to be awful in Gigli due to their failing relationship, though I thought the bad vibe between Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman in Eyes Wide Shut was right for the film.
Some actresses are doomed to bad chemistry because they are simply too interesting and singular for their other halves: Julia Stiles has found no chemistry with anyone since Heath Ledger in Ten Things I Hate About You. Drew Barrymore looks cheerfully bemused by every leading man plonked down next to her. Not bad chemistry, but no chemistry: a test-tube of cold, clear water.
By Peter Bradshaw
