How to dump your lover

Writing about how to keep a love going when you're not ready for it to finish last week, got me to thinking about when the opposite is true and a break-up is inevitable.

Let's face it; whether you're the one doing the dumping or you're the one that's being kicked to the curb it's never going to be an easy experience.

Well, almost never anyway - if you've been in a particularly bad relationship where the person has behaved like a world-class piece of nastiness then quite frankly, telling them where to go in no uncertain terms can be a really therapeutic experience and leave you feeling like a brand new woman/man.

Most of the time though it simply boils down to growing apart and falling out of love or wanting to move on to someone new.

When that happens you don't stop caring about a person just because you stop wanting to be with them.

You still think about their feelings and knowing that you're going to hurt them is a really hard thing to live with ... but like it or not, you're going to have to do it and as tough as it's going to be, you need to get it over and done with sooner rather than later.

Before you do though, give yourself some real time to think about whether it's really what you want or whether it's just a reflex action to something that was said and done or whether you're just going through a down phase in your relationship.

Every relationship goes through its hard times but if the two of you really love each other you can bounce back stronger than ever if you give it a little time and attention.

If you've decided that it really is the best course to take then you need to ask yourself, why? Firstly, because it will help you make sure it's what you want, but more importantly, because you need to be able to explain to your partner why you're doing it.

They deserve a proper explanation and if the relationship has meant anything to you at all then you owe it to them and yourself to have the respect of a decent clarification.

Next, you need to pick a time and place to get it done. Bare in mind that the other person isn't going to be happy and they have a right to get their feelings out without the added embarrassment of other people being able to overhear the conversation - so somewhere public is really not the place to do it.

Your best bet is to go to their home as it will give them the comfort of familiar surroundings as well as meaning that they don't have to then get up and leave once it's all over and they can lick their wounds in private.

It also has the added bonus of being easier for you to walk away when the time is appropriate, as opposed to doing it at your place and the other person doesn't want to accept it and leave.

As for time, sooner is always better than later and prolonging the situation isn't good for either of you as it only makes you more resentful of being stuck in a situation you don't want to be in and it's unfair to the other person to let them think everything is alright when it clearly isn't.

With that said, if the other person has had a particularly bad day it would be kinder to wait for a better time. Being dumped leaves you feeling like hell at the best of times but if you've been dumped the same day as your cat dies or you boss decides to fire you, then hell seems like a pretty good option in comparison.

Once the time and place has arrived, sit the person down and tell them you need to have a serious conversation with them.

When they ask you what it's about, tell them straight that you want the relationship to end.

Do it kindly but don't beat around the bush. Explain your reasons as honestly as possible without being too blunt and hurting their feelings. Telling them they have killer B.O. and rancid breath isn't necessary when you can just as easily tell them that you have different priorities when it comes to personal standards and issues.

When you've said what you have to say you have to be prepared for their reaction and ready to deal with it kindly - no matter how they behave.

Some will cry and ask you to reconsider. Comfort them with a hug to let them know you haven't stopped caring but don't let yourself be sucked in by their hurt and reconsider you actions - if you do you'll just be in the same place a short while down the line.

Others may promise to change if you'll just give them a second (or fifth as the case may be) chance.

As tempting as it may be to believe them and give it another go, if they didn't change when you discussed the problems before, they aren't going to change now. At the very most they will make an effort to start with and then revert back to their old ways. We humans are creatures of habit and habits are very hard to break unless we're in it for ourselves. Change for others only breeds contempt and resentment.

Arguing is another possible reaction you'll find, but don't let yourself get sucked into the blame game. Don't let yourself fall into an argument and don't debate the point.

If they need to put the blame on you to try and ease their own pain than let them. You're hurting them by breaking up with them so if you have to listen to them rant for a little bit, so be it. It will soon be over and you will be able to walk away feeling just that little bit more justified in what you've done.

While lingering after the deal is done isn't a wise move, you also don't want to rush out like the devil was on your heels.

Depending on how long you've been together you should allow at least about an hour for the whole thing, as dropping the bad news and then turning tail and leaving is both disrespectful and unkind.

You're about to embark on a lifetime without the other person and the least you can do is give them the decency of time to say what needs saying on both sides and finishing the whole thing off in a civilised manner.

If you think that down the line you might keep in touch or become friends, that's all well and good but you need to give the other person time to deal with and accept the situation first. They can't get over you and start to move on if you are constantly in contact. Give it time and let the healing process take hold before you talk to or see them again.

And if you've read this and are cursing me because you're on the receiving end of the whole deal, stay tuned for next week where I'll be dealing with the getting dumped part of the equation.