Flip through the latest issue of Gulf Weekly.
How could something that felt so right possibly go so wrong? For many of us, the 17 years since the last weekly instalment from Texas's answer to the Borgias has been but a despairingly aimless walk through the glamour - and Stetson-free topography of life.
So news that the cast of Dallas was to reunite at Southfork, for one brief and glorious evening, to celebrate the 30th anniversary of the uber-soap's first broadcast, offered a sudden oasis of hope and delight.
It began as a soiree intime, attended only by the holy Texan trinity of JR "Larry Hagman" Ewing, Sue "Linda Gray" Ellen, Bobby "In the most shameless yet bravura plot twist in all of storytelling history, I proclaim the last season to have been just a dream!"
Ewing and a few hundred of their closest, richest and/or most mentally unstable fans, willing to shell out $1,000 for the privilege of mingling awkwardly with them.
Then the fansites and message boards went to work, and event organiser Jason Hardison and Southfork curators Forever Resorts realised that they could best serve the spirit of 80s entrepreneurship enshrined in the series by selling 2,000 tickets of varying prices, allowing different degrees of access to the stars.
Stars, we might add, who no longer included just JR, Swellen and Bobby (or Hagman, Gray and Patrick Duffy if you prefer - although when discussing an event full of people prepared to pay between $100 and $1,000 to gaze upon their faces, it is a moot point as to whether a meaningful distinction between actor and character is either possible or desirable any longer).
No, the line-up also stretched to Cliff "Ken Kercheval" Barnes, Ray and Donna Krebbs (Steve Kanaly and Susan Howard if, y'know, you're still insisting), Lucy Ewing (AKA Charlene Tilton) and - please brace yourself against a sturdy piece of furniture before reading on - Mary Crosby, AKA Kristin Shepard, AKA The Woman Who Shot JR, herself!
Knowing that it is constitutionally impossible for so many Ewings and their enemies to gather together for an evening without someone ending up illegitimately pregnant by their alcoholic mother's boyfriend's cousin, in a sumptuously appointed hotel room, Lost in Showbiz renewed its plea to the keepers of the coffers to be allowed to attend. But alas, the requests were summarily declined.
And so as the great day dawned, Lost in Showbiz sat in front of the wires, gnawing on its fist and trying to still the waves of bitter yearning that surged in its breast, eager to glean what paltry crumbs it could from the Party of the Year. Stars arrived on the red carpet laid outside the ranch house. "It's phenomenal and I'm thrilled to be a part of it!" cried Linda Gray and one's heart swelled with pride that even after all these years, that early training in smiling through Sue Ellen's suffering could still come in useful. More muted was Patrick Duffy's response: "We mustn't get too carried away with it, but it's still a nice indication that we were part of television history." A touch ungracious coming from a man whose last gig was unveiling the Ecostream Caravan at the International Caravan and Motorhome Exhibition at Birmingham NEC last month, but never mind.
Then other reports began to come in. Reports of chaos and confusion.
Reports of hundreds of gatecrashers flooding into Southfork and security guards unable to enforce the rules of ticket segregation. Those who had paid top dollar for tickets were not being allowed to touch the hem of Bobby's garments as promised, while those who had paid little or nothing were getting close enough to Swellen to feel her quiver. All was anarchy and the party aftermath a welter of tears and threats to sue and countersue. Hardison blames ranch officials for failing to secure the property.
They blame him for failing to define and control the access areas. Fans blame them both. Lost in Showbiz's bitterness turns inexorably to joy.
What better meta-tribute can there be to the show that made the blood feud a legitimate lifestyle choice than to start a new one? Let the long-running and increasingly non-credible battle commence!
