When love and hate collide

William Congreve once wrote: "Heaven has no rage like love to hatred turned, Nor hell a fury like a woman scorned".

We were given a tragic example of just how true that can be last week when an angry and jilted ex-wife allegedly set fire to a wedding tent in Kuwait resulting in the death of 45 women and children.

The woman in question has confessed according to the authorities, saying that she hadn't meant to kill anyone and that she had just wanted to ruin the festivities.

It's hard to imagine that anyone with half a brain cell could fail to see that setting fire to a tent, with over 200 hundred people inside, wasn't going to result in some casualties.

Yes, mental stress is a possible contributing factor and the woman is understood to have attempted to commit suicide before the incident, but more than anything it goes to show how very blind anger can make us to the consequences of our actions.

In fairness, what happened in this case is a very extreme example of what can happen when a woman has been hurt by love but in all reality, there are few things that can make us act more deranged than a broken heart.

It's true what they say about there being a thin line between love and hate, it's only natural. When you have strong feeling towards a person the same amount of negative emotion is going to go into heartbreak.

Emotions are a very delicate thing and controlling them is near impossible.

We feel what we feel and being rejected when we've given all there is to give is going to hurt. A lot.

While most men will sulk for a while, go out and get drunk with their friends and move on to a meaningless conquest, treating her badly as a revenge for having been treated badly in the past himself, he'll then get over it pretty quickly and get on with his life.

A woman deals with the same situation differently. That's not to say that all women are psychotic and likely to do something that will result in death and destruction but women, in general, are natural born brooders who have trouble letting go of things that upset them.

We over think every detail of what's happened and let it fester until we feel so much hatred that we want to go out and do something about it.

Most of us eventually realise that our thoughts are damaging more to ourselves than anyone-else and come to our senses before we actually act on the things we dream of doing ... but many still feel the need for some kind of revenge, and when that happens it usually ends up being very creative.

We've all heard the stories of a friend of a friend who cut off one sleeve of every shirt and suit in their ex's wardrobe or sewed prawns into the hem of their curtains in the hot months of summer and any woman that's ever had her heart broken can't help but giggle and be impressed by the ingenuity of it all. But, in reality none of it will really do anything to heal the pain, even if it does make us feel better for a few minutes!

Much like dealing with bereavement, we generally go through four stages after a beak up; denial, anger, pain and acceptance.

The denial stage is when we refuse to believe it's really over, convincing ourselves it's just a hic-up in the relationship and the person that's left us will soon realise that they've made a mistake and come back begging forgiveness for their stupidity.

As much as we know deep down that the other person probably won't come back, it's hard to believe that they would really give up all the good times, love and fun that you shared, so instead of accepting it we convince ourselves that it's not true.

Some people might even try to engineer an 'accidental' bumping into the other person in the hope that by seeing you again it will trigger all the loving thoughts they once had towards you and everything will magically go back to how they use to be. But, the truth of the matter is that it almost never works out that way and you run the risk of getting hurt all the more, not to mention the very distinct possibility that the other person will think you're a mad stalker that they need to avoid at all costs!

Then, one day, you wake up and instead of thinking that today is the day your love is going to come running back into your arms, you get angry about the fact that you've been treated so badly.

Anger is normal, and to a large extent healthy, because you're finally accepting the fact that you didn't deserve to be treated the way you were treated.

This is the stage were that whole 'wrath' thing comes into play and you want to do horrible unmentionable things to the person that's done you wrong in an attempt to exact your revenge and make them rue the day they ever thought they could get way with treating you so badly.

Don't.

The satisfaction is only momentary and the benefits practically non existent. Not only do will you end up looking like the bad person, but acting on anger might make you do something you might regret or get into trouble for.

Pain comes next. It's the point when you're not angry anymore and the reality of it all hits you hard.

You start remembering all the good times you had together and realise that all the dreams, aspirations and plans you had for the future aren't going to happen.

You start to wonder if you're ever going to find your happy-ever-after and feelings of loneliness and depression run the risk of setting in. There isn't really very much you can do about this stage except let it run it's course and try to keep busy with friends and family that you enjoy being around and that you know like being around you.

It's when you wake up and don't feel angry, hurt or sad that the final stage has kicked in and you know everything is going to be OK again, acceptance.

You don't miss the person any more, you don't cringe at the mention of their name and you can even hold a conversation with them.

The urge to wrap your arms around their legs, refusing to let go or to put your hands around their neck and squeeze isn't there and you know life is finally going back to normal.

Then, and only then, are you ready to venture a toe back into the dating pool and start the process all over again.

With all that said, bear three things in mind.

1- Don't carry on the hurt you found in your past relationship into your new one. You'd hate it if someone you like judged you by the standards or their ex, so don't do it to them.

2- Grab happiness where you can because you never know when you're going to find it again, and

3- However many times you have to get your heart broken, you will eventually find your Prince Charming, so don't give up. Take every relationship as just a harmless bit of fun until eventually it's much more than you ever dreamed it could be.