The fine art of compromise

I've been pondering the trials and tribulations of the modern adult relationship this week, after a friend came to me with an interesting dilemma regarding her current (and very lovely) beau.

After much thought, I couldn't help concluding that life was much simpler when we were younger and didn't really know that relationships, however well you get on, take a lot of work and compromise if you want make them work.

When we were younger the arrogance of youth meant that if we didn't like the way a person thought on a subject that was important to us it must mean we were incompatible and it was time to move on to the next prospect.

As we get older we realise that there is no such thing as the perfect partner and that a large part of finding a happy and fulfilling relationship is the art of compromise.

You're never going to see eye-to-eye on everything but what distinguishes you as a good partner is whether or not you can set your own principles or feeling aside for the sake of the other person.

In the case of my friend, she and her man are great as a couple and as much as they always want to see each other smiling, it was bound to happen that they would disagree on something major at some point. They had had words earlier on in the day and they found themselves on opposite sides of an issue that was equally important to both of them, with little hope of an immediate solution.

As they were out with friends at the time and neither of them is the sort to make others uncomfortable, they put on big smiles and the subject was dropped.

Unlike most men, who would rather ignore a problem, and if the subject has been dropped will only come back to it if forced to, us women will usually bring the subject of disagreement up again and rehash everything until it has been resolved to our satisfaction.

The opposite was the case this time.

With the rest of the evening going well, my friend decided to let it drop, preferring instead the happy peace that the relationship had fallen back into than going over and over something that didn't look like it was going to be resolved.

It was her man (and major credit points to him here for not being the typical 'run-away-from-it-all' male most of us women have to deal with) who decided that the point had to be settled.

Although loath to get into it again, my friend decided that since it was so important to her partner, she'd settled in for the long haul and they hashed the issue out until he was satisfied that the problem resolved, after which peace was made and everything has gone back to even better than it was before ... well, sort of.

As argumentative and detail minutia-orientated as us women are, we're also, more often than not, the peace makers. Not in the sense that we're the first to apologise but in the sense that we're more likely to put the other person ahead of ourselves and when we find ourselves at an impasse on a subject where neither side can satisfactorily win, we'd rather swallow our pride and let them have their way then continue the argument on.

In this case, although the problem itself was resolved, in doing so an issue even more important to my friend was brought up, and while she decided to leave it alone and not mention it so as not to keep the original problem going, it has left her with a nagging unease about the progression of her relationship.

And, this is what makes adult relationships so complicated to deal with.

When you love someone you want to do anything to make them happy, even if it means having to compromise your beliefs and swallow your pride.

But, sometimes it means that while things move along at a mostly happy pace there is always that nagging little thought in the back of your head that keeps niggling away at you that you compromised your own principles on something the other person refused to compromise. What makes one person's principle more important than that of the other person?

As far as partners go, there is no doubt that my friend's boyfriend is a prince among men. He's thoughtful and kind, generous and funny and he is always thinking of ways to make her life that little bit better but on this particular subject he felt strongly and wasn't prepared to compromise.

They make a great couple and it's easy to see why she'd rather keep quiet on the subject then start something that would more than likely result in the end of their relationship.

And, therein lies the dilemma; the relationship is very definitely worth keeping but to do so she has to live with that niggling irritation in the back of her mind in the hope it will eventually go away, despite being pretty sure it never really will.

For once I'm at a complete loss for wisdom to impart.