Children should be given

A recent newspaper report highlighted a teacher’s opinion of her job suggesting that ‘women are naturally good counsellors and ‘a female teacher plays a mother’s role’.

Counter arguments were also given but those two lines caught my attention. Don’t worry, I didn’t pick up my pen to write another gender-based article, but a few questions arose.

Firstly, do we as children or adolescents, always need a mother figure, even in school in the form of a teacher?
Secondly, do we need a counsellor daily?

And, most importantly, are teachers and counsellors aware that there is a difference between a counsellor and an advisor?

I always find parents, teachers, and school counsellors playing the role of an advisor to children. Once I was telling this to a parent and a child remarked ‘unwanted advisors are unavoidable too’ and smiled.

Have we as parents/teachers ever realised how much a child’s creative thinking gets hindered by this.

Does it not push the child towards becoming a rebel who at times engages in anti-social or violent activities?

A suppressed child, most of the time, reacts aggressively or becomes prone to illness.

Nowadays, some of the most common complaints from young people are that their parents always try to control them and don’t give them enough space.

Parents think that only they know what is best for their children. They don’t have time to listen to their children but they have all the time in the world to give them instructions.

Let me elaborate with a case study. A 24-year-old man came to me and narrated that after he obtained his MBA two big companies selected him and offered him a job. His parents were pressurising him to join company A because it had offered to pay him hundreds more dinars than company B, so they insisted it was the best option.

“So what stops you from joining this company?” I asked him. In response the young man almost started shouting: “What are they thinking? Just because they have some set criteria how can they take every decision in my life based on it?

“Have they ever asked me what I want to do? Did they ask what else the company was offering? No, they just issued an ultimatum to join company A, and when I expressed my confusion, I was asked to meet you.

“There was a time when parents used to decide for their children. They still do,except now it appears to be carried out in a very sophisticated manner using professional help.”

And he went on blaming his parents.When he finished, I asked him what he expected from me and his answer was ‘advice’ on which company to join.

My reply was simple: “I don’t know,” I said.

It left him even more confused.

I asked him why at a time when he was not comfortable with his parents suggestions should he seek mine?

He had no answer and I could feel his agitation in continuing our discussion, so I decided to take him through a relaxation exercise to calm him down from the thoughts which were juggling in his mind. 

Why it is difficult for us to trust our children’s capabilities? Why do we think that only we, as parents, can make the right decisions for them?

Is this not the reason why a 15-year-old feels so frustrated trying to live up to a parent’s expectation that he runs away from home in search of freedom?

Once, my 18-month-old child selected a set of toy cars to buy, whereas, I wanted to buy him a set of blocks.

I explained to him all the logic behind my suggestion but it was at that point that I realised how difficult it was to appreciate that my child had made his own choice and I, as a parent, should respect it, providing it’s not dangerous.

Hopefully, by the time he reaches 18, he will be able to work out all the pros and cons before taking a decision. But that will only happen if today, as he grows, I allow him to decide at his level, and trust in his capabilities.

I let him buy what he wanted. Once he was assured I supported his decision, he came running to me for a hug and didn’t even look at any other toy.

Instead, I learned a valuable lesson that even at that tender age children are clear about their choices and know their limits.

We are the ones who underestimate them and try to impose our will on them. But if we want to develop confident young adults we need to trust our children.

It is easy for all of us to dish out suggestions, or issue dos and don’ts. Instead of telling our children what, and what not to do, help them to create a list of options and make their own choices.

Dr Puja Taneja Malhotra,
Ph.D. Psychology,
Psychological Consultant, Trainer & Coach.