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Divorced women in Bahrain have set up a pressure group to demand a better deal as they try to rebuild their shattered lives.
They claim tradition, public opinion and the legal system is against them and that battered, abused and cheated on women deserve sympathy and support to change things.
For many women in the Arab world, divorce is not an easy option because they live in a man’s world. As such, Muslim women with failed marriages are stigmatised by their communities, sometimes by their immediate families, labelled as ‘damaged goods’.
Some women will actually endure years of physical abuse and mistreatment to keep a marital home together. Others will stay in an unhappy relationship because they are afraid to start all over again as they fear the law appears to fall on the husband’s side and many fear they could be left with nothing.
Three Bahraini women have joined forces to campaign on behalf of women caught up in messy relationships. Although they have asked for their names to be changed in this article, their stories are true and, at times, harrowing.
Tamara, an interior designer from Saar, was married for three years before she had enough of living with an abusive spouse. Now, it’s just her and her four-year-old son.
She said: “I had been physically abused on a number of occasions during the course of my marriage. I filed a police case for spousal physical abuse and needed hospital treatment for my injuries, which prompted me to file for divorce.
“I was fed up of being mistreated. I was a housewife, a full-time mum and unemployed.
I filed for divorce with a Bahraini lawyer who advised me that the process would take time.
“My grounds for divorce were physical abuse and a lack of financial support. He had also left the marital home.”
According to Bahrain Family Law, which is only applicable in the Sunni court, Article 37 states: ‘not to harm physically or morally’ and Article 110 states: ‘the wife has the right to ask for divorce in case of absence of the spouse from place of residence for a year, or missing’.
It looked as though Tamara had a strong case. What added fuel to the fire is that her ex-husband had verbally said to her ‘I divorce you’ in front of witnesses.
In Islam, if the husband says to his wife in Arabic the phrase ‘I divorce you’, which is talaq, then that is initiating the process of divorce. The pronouncement may be verbal or written. If its pronounced two more times, then the divorce is irrevocable. The first two times it is said, it can be withdrawn.
Tamara’s case took eight months to complete, precious time that she needed to use to find work in order to support herself and her child. Instead, she was in and out of court hearings, defending her rights.
She explained: “My ex kept on sending court orders that he wanted to return to the marital home although he did not own the house as it was under my name. He also sent false court orders claiming that I had his possessions.
“The entire process was frustrating. I had even given the lawyer ‘power of attorney’ as I started working and needed him to handle the case. He was not attending hearings and would avoid meeting to discuss the plan of action before the court dates. I ended up going to every court case and getting involved, which at least felt empowering.”
During the hearings, Tamara began to learn a lot about family law and her rights under Shariah Law, plus additional legal arguments and rights.
One of the laws that she came to learn was the United Nations Universal Declaration of Human Rights Article 16, which states: ‘men and women of full age, without any limitation due to race, nationality or religion, have the right to marry and to found a family. They are entitled to equal rights as to marriage, during marriage and at its dissolution’.
Tamara said: “Unfortunately this is not applied by the Shariah courts in Bahrain. As a woman I had to attend several hearings, showing evidence of mistreatment because they wanted more evidence in order to dissolve the marriage.
“I even brought witnesses that swore under oath that they were present and heard my ex-husband saying that he divorces me. The court said this was not enough evidence and the judges kept on adjourning the case.”
Tamara got her life back after she signed an agreement withdrawing her right to receive any alimony, or her dowry which was stated as hers in the marriage certificate.
Tamara said: “He even said he will not pay any money towards housing support. This agreement was presented to the court in order to get my divorce. He then said in front of the judge in court ‘I divorce you’ three times. Then I was divorced. I felt degraded as a woman but it was a small price to pay for my freedom.
“In my experience, women are not treated fairly, a man has the right to divorce when he chooses and women do not have the same freedom. The courts here have evolved with the application of the family law but still treat women with discrimination, in my opinion, and have a long way to go towards equal rights regarding divorce.”
Tamara didn’t have as much of an issue when she filed for custody of her child. She won the case within one month of filing it.
Her ex-husband has weekly visitation rights to see his son and pays a small amount in child support monthly as ruled by the court.
Her family, who did not support her at the beginning of the divorce or attend court hearings, started to come around only after she won custody of the child.
Tamara said: “There is a general taboo around Arab women getting divorced. However, the statistics show that divorce rates are rising as women are getting better educated, working and feeling empowered to seek freedom.”
Maria, 25, a banker from Sanad, says she needed to get a divorce to protect her five-year-old daughter.
Maria said: “I got divorced because my ex-husband used to hit me in front of my child. I wanted a safe environment for my kid and this was the only option. But being divorced in our culture is hard, especially when you have a child.
“People start judging you and the law does not really stand with divorced women. It’s mostly on the side of men. The woman is always wrong. Even the allowance that is specified for the child is unfair … around BD40 a month.
“Also, the father can get custody of the child once the mother gets married again. Since my divorce, my ex-husband either does not pay the allowance on time or never pays anything. He even stopped being there for her as a father.”
Even though Maria is not getting much support, if any, she is pleased with her decision to seek a divorce despite what people think.
She said: “People are so judgmental and close-minded that they start pointing fingers.
“They have this belief that a woman should suffer in silence in their marriage rather than getting divorced. But I believe strong women should not be affected by that and always take the right decision, which is best for them in the long run. In the Middle East women have to stand on their own because the men here believe they are always right.”
Yasmine, for example, a 38-year-old banker, knows the meaning of standing alone all too well.
After six years of marital bliss, it all came crashing down. She married in 1996 and it wasn’t easy. Her family didn’t approve of their relationship due to his lack of education and status in society.
Yasmine said: “I felt like the man of the house. I bought all the household items; I was cleaning, washing, cooking and even taking the cars for service. I did it all.
“I tried to be a very good wife as I was raised in a family where divorce was not acceptable. I tried putting a smile on my face every time we visited my parents. I never told a soul that my husband was an alcoholic and a woman beater.”
In 2005, Yasmine’s father passed away and her ex-husband was far from compassionate. In fact, his insults got worse but she would always forgive him.
Yasmine was truly unhappy but she stayed in the relationship until October 16, 2011, the night she was thrown out of the family home in her pyjamas.
“After putting up with a sad and lonely marriage for 15 years I was thrown out! He came home on that night drunk and we had a fight. He then pulled me out of the house. I had nowhere to go, so I headed to his sister’s house which wasn’t a good move. They had all planned to throw me out as he had another young lady in mind … 20 years his junior!
“He broke everything between us. I couldn’t believe my eyes. I was in total shock. I was such a good wife to him and he treated me this way.
“Because we didn’t have any children, the law was on his side. He filed for divorce, hired a lawyer and a summons was sent to me in two weeks for divorce. His reason was not having kids and that he wanted to marry again.
“We got divorced in a month. They took the house, my gold and cash. He even took the car that I had paid half of. I felt really stupid that I spent my beautiful years with the most selfish man ever.”
Yasmine lived in her brother’s house for four months until she arranged a place at her mother’s home.
“Life is really tough for a divorced woman in Bahrain,” Yasmine claimed. “I know many women with kids who are homeless or not accepted back by their parents. But the good thing is that there are many strong women too out there divorced and working hard to support themselves and their families.
“Our society doesn’t accept such status. We are looked upon differently from relatives and friends. It makes you really sad to see such mentality. You get treated with respect when you are married. But this makes us stronger. As they say… what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.”
