A.S.K. Kelly

GulfWeekly’s Agony Aunt Kelly Armatage wants to help YOU cope with the stresses and strains of life. The acclaimed counsellor and coach is known globally for her ‘A Serenity Kit’ invention (www.aserenitykit.com) which has become an essential tool to help people cope with stress and change their negative habits.

Kelly, a sought-after motivational speaker who also offers advice on family matters, is the CEO of her own therapy and coaching company based in Mahooz. She has been helping thousands of people in the kingdom since 2007 and every Wednesday, she will answer questions posed by clients and GulfWeekly readers whose identities will be respected.

A problem shared is a problem halved. Write to her at info@kellyarmatage.com

Question: Kelly, I am in an abusive relationship. My partner is cheating on me, this is the third time I’ve caught him. He lies to me and is also verbally abusive. I cry every day, I just don’t know what to do anymore.

Answer: What many people do when they get into relationships is deny the behaviours of their partner. If someone has the habits of cheating, lying and verbal abuse, these are behaviours that are programmed in and they would become apparent within the initial dating months.

There are those with integrity and there are those people with non-integrity, you can sniff out non-integrity from a mile away if you have high self-esteem and high self-awareness. This is why dating with observation and not jumping in too quickly into a relationship is important.

It is necessary now to sit with this question: ‘can I accept these habits of my partner?’ Because it is unlikely he will change, unless he is banging down the office of the nearest therapist. So, if the answer is ‘no’ and you would like a partner who treats you with respect and who honours the agreement and the terms you have set for the relationship, then look at what learned behaviours that you have within you i.e. being open to being lied to and criticised and cheated on.

Work on raising your self-esteem, work on setting boundaries, assertiveness and also face any fears of being alone. As you work on improving your self-worth, you will attract worthy treatment in relationships.

Question: Since I moved to Bahrain, I am drinking more, almost every day. My father was an alcoholic and I do not want to follow in his footsteps. I am starting to crave a drink every day and I also blacked out at the weekend. I don’t want to become an alcoholic. Help me.

Answer: The first essential step is a deep forgiveness of yourself. Drinking is a trained habit and guilt fuels the cycle. As you feel guilty, you are going to want to elevate that shame and your habit is to elevate your emotions via alcohol.

It is good to repeat to yourself: ‘I have a learned behaviour, which is to drink for comfort. I become aware and at peace with this’. The next step is to enrol on a programme with a good therapist or AA, so you can train in healthier coping mechanisms. With commitment, grit and practice and as you work a programme, drinking as a habit can be replaced by healthier options and coping mechanisms.