Ways to get rid of your man

When it’s over, it’s over but sometimes actually doing the break-up deed can be a spine chillingly fearful prospect.

You’re so afraid of hurting his feelings or that his mother will hate you forever, that you just can’t bring yourself to open your mouth to utter the words.
Not to worry though, all is not lost. Not having the courage of your convictions doesn’t mean you’ll be stuck with him forever. All you have to do is follow these simple instructions and before you know it, it will be his spine tingling in fear as he runs as fast as his little legs can carry him in the opposite direction as soon as he sets eyes on you.

1 Wait until you’re on a night out with his friends and behave as badly as you can. Drink large amounts and then flirt dangerously with all of his friends. The next morning, be sure to tell your boyfriend that although you’d had far too much to drink, you were completely aware of what you were doing and how you never realised his best friend was such a great kisser. 
The fact that you don’t even see anything wrong with what you did will make him realise that you’re not the nice girl he thought you were.

2 While you’re going down the behaving badly route, save some that outrageous behaviour for when you go round to dinner at his parent’s house. If his mother has spent hours in the kitchen preparing a delicious dinner, make sure to pick it apart as much as possible. Tell her the chicken is very dry but that at her age it must be hard to keep track of cooking times. Point out that the dress she is wearing is very lovely and it reminds you so much of something you grandmother would wear. When dinner is over you can let out a large belch and complain of indigestion while picking your nose the whole way through coffee. Leave as early as possible, apologising for not staying longer but you just can’t wait to get her son home.
At heart all men are mummy’s boys and although few would admit it to your face, if mummy doesn’t like you, you won’t last long.

3 If the relationship is still new and you’re at that getting-to-know-you stage but already know that the two of you are most definitely not meant to be, pretend you already know you want to spend the rest of your life with him. Tell him every 15 minutes how much you love and adore him. Talk about how you would really like to get married in the spring and how you want at least six children. Spend hours talking about baby names and how you just know the two of you are going to be happy ever after. Start moving some of his clothes out of his cupboard to make room for your stuff and leave all your feminine hygiene products lying around in plain view in his bathroom.
Nothing is guaranteed to make a man panic and run away faster than the thought of commitment to someone he hardly knows.

4 Become insanely jealous. If he’s five minutes late meeting you, go into an insane rage about how you know he’s late because he was meeting some girl. If he’s busy and can’t make a date you suggest, accuse him of already having plans to meet HER. If he buys a new shirt/shoes/sunglasses, tell him you know it’s because he’s trying to look good for his new woman.
Call him 10 times a day especially when you know he’s going to be busy with work. When he doesn’t answer straight away tell him you know it’s because of HER. If he tells you he’s going out with the lads, find out where and show up on the pretext of trying to catch him out and if you know his friends’ numbers, call them and rant and rave about how you know he’s cheating on you and how you think it’s really mean of them to be covering for him.
Soon enough your insane jealousy will push him away and you won’t need to worry about being the one doing the breaking up. Of course, you’ll also have gained the reputation for being a complete psycho but hey, it’s worth it!

5 Try and make sure that the two of you have nothing in common. If he loves football, tell him how completely stupid a game you think it is. If he plays football refuse to ever go and watch him play and when he comes back and wants to tell you all about it, yawn and change the subject to the new nail varnish colour you found in this great new shop that day.
At dinnertime, if he’s in the mood for Chinese, insist on Italian. If he suggests going out with his mates, be sure to tell him how very boring you think all his friends are and you’ve no interest in going out to see them. Follow it up by insisting he stays home and watches some tripe girlie movie with you.
Basically you want him to feel that everything he says, does and enjoys doing is wrong and that if he stays with you he will lose every iota of independence and individuality that he has.
Make it blatantly obvious that the two of you are the most imperfect match ever and he’ll soon be walking out the door.
So there you have it girlies. How to get rid of your man in five easy steps — leaving the path clean for the next poor unsuspecting victim silly enough to think he might like you.... Happy scheming!