You must be joking

Full of spirit on Boxing Day I've decided that this week I'm going to forgo my usual ranting and raving in favour of a few festive Ho Ho Hos.

Far be it for me to be controversial and I hate to mess with a sacred myth but I have to take this opportunity to point out one very obvious fact about yesterday's visitor: Father Christmas is a woman.

Well think about it:

A male Father Christmas would have trouble finding his way to the right houses and if he was lost up in the clouds, he would refuse to stop and ask for directions.

Men can't pack a bag.

Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet.

Men would feel their masculinity is threatened ... having to be seen with all those elves.

Men don't answer their mail.

Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described even in jest as anything remotely resembling a "bowlful of jelly."

Men aren't interested in stockings unless somebody's wearing them.

Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment.

Thanks to Susan Birkinseer for those words of wisdom.

***

Little Known Festive Fact

Not long ago and far away, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip ... but there were problems everywhere.

Four of his elves were sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.

Then Mrs Claus told Santa that her mum was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where.

More stress. Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee.

When he went to the cupboard, he found the elves had hidden the coffee and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he dropped the pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor.

He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made from.

Just then the doorbell rang and Santa silently cursed on his way to the door. He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said: "Where would you like to put this tree Santa?"

And that my friends, is how the little angel came to be on top of the Christmas tree.

***

Rudolph the Red

A Russian couple was walking down the street in St Petersburg the other night, when the man felt a drop hit his nose. "I think it's raining," he said to his wife.

"No, that felt more like snow to me," she replied. "No, I'm sure it was just rain, he said."

Well, as these things go, they were about to have a major argument about whether it was raining or snowing. Just then they saw a minor communist party official walking toward them. "Let's not fight about it," the man said, "let's ask Comrade Rudolph whether it's officially raining or snowing."

As the official approached, the man said, "Tell us, Comrade Rudolph, is it officially raining or snowing?"

"It's raining, of course," he answered and walked on. But the woman insisted: "I know that felt like snow!"

To which the man quietly replied: "Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear!" - ahajokes.com

***

In the hospital on Christmas Eve relatives gathered in the waiting room awaiting news of their critically ill loved one. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and sombre. "I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried faces.

"The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure and very risky but it's the only hope. Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the brain yourselves."

The family members sat in silence as they absorbed the news.

After a long while someone asked: "Well, how much does a brain cost?"

The doctor quickly responded: "$50,000 for a male brain, and $2,000 for a female brain."

The moment turned awkward. The men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked.

A man unable to control his curiosity blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, "Why is the male brain so much more?"

The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group, "It's just standard pricing procedure.

"We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they've actually been used."