Keeping a healthy relationship alive

Over the last few weeks I've had a lot to say about the hard times in relationships but there's so much more to love than problems.

Love is grand! It's as simple as that and when you've found that special person you want to spend the rest of your life with, you don't ever want to lose it.

That's when you need to face the biggest challenge yet: keeping love alive and healthy when you're already in a committed relationship.

When you first meet and you're still in that honeymoon period of your relationship, it all seems really easy.

You're so caught up in the whole being in the love thing that nothing seems like too much trouble and you'll happily move heaven and earth just to see the smile on the face of the one you love. But as time goes by, and everyday life takes over, it's easy to let the little things go by the wayside and start taking each other for granted.

You get busy and distracted with the mundane minutiae of life and stop giving each other the attention you both need to keep that loving feeling ticking over.

Then, one day, before you know it, you're looking at your relationship and wondering why the spark isn't there anymore.

It's a natural progression and nothing to commit hara-kiri over but once you've recognised it's happening you need to do something about it before one or the other of you starts looking elsewhere to fill the void.

Long-lasting love takes time and effort and anyone who says that love should be easy just isn't living in the real world!

With divorce so readily available these days it's no surprise that so many people give up when they reach a stumbling block.

When our parents were growing up divorce was something that was frowned upon but today so many children are growing up separated from one parent or the other we all look on with near incredulity when we come across the rare sight of an old couple still looking happy and walking hand in hand after 40 years of marriage.

It's something we all hope our future holds, but less of us believe we can ever have. With a little (or in some cases, a lot) more effort, maybe, just maybe, it could be something more of us can look forward to.

Setting aside all the obvious advice about being romantic and doing sweet little things for each other on a regular basis, one of the most important things is to make time for each other.

No matter how busy your lives are you need to have regular alone time together, where the rest of the world is completely shut out.

Letting each other know that the other person is important enough to put time aside for is, in itself, a very powerful aphrodisiac but more importantly you need the time together to keep your personal connection alive.

It can be as simple as going to the supermarket together or having one person sitting and talking to the other while cooking dinner - just as long as it's time alone where the two of you can talk about your respective days, dreams and aspirations.

It's time that's just for the two of you. Time that makes the other person feel like the most important person in your life.

Talking to each other is equally important. It sounds obvious but I'm not just talking about general chit chat. You need to be able to tell each other everything that's on your minds - the bad along with the good.

If you have a problem with something the other person has said or done (and you will), you need to be able to discuss it before it gets out of hand and becomes a bigger problem than it needs to be.

Talk about the big things but talk about the little things too. Everything from how your day went to your opinions, views and thoughts on any given subject. Communication is key to making you feel needed in the other person's life.

Be honest with each other. Whether it's good or bad your partner needs to know that they will always get the truth from you. Think about how you feel when you discover you've been lied to - hurt, angry and let down - that's not something anyone wants or needs in a partner.

Lies (discovered or not) can only weaken a relationship as they put a distance between the two of you that the other person can and will feel even if they don't understand why.

Along with being honest, be trusting. Have faith that the person you're sharing your life with won't do anything to hurt you or the relationship - you don't appreciate being doubted and nor will they. If you have reason to doubt your partner then you shouldn't be together in the first place, and if you don't have a reason to doubt them then not trusting them is not only unfair but disrespectful.

And that brings me to the topic of respect, for yourself, your partner and the relationship itself.

You need to have respect for yourself first and foremost. You're the one that controls the way other people treat you and you need to know what you will and won't allow your partner to say and do to you.

If you don't respect yourself you can't expect anyone else to respect you, and that includes your partner. If you let someone walk all over you and always bow to what they want, you'll soon become resentful and unappreciated, which in turn will make you feel less important and less attractive.

The same goes for a lack of respect for your partner. They will feel that you don't think their feelings and opinions are important and the emotional equality that needs to be in any healthy relationship will be missing. As for the relationship itself, that too needs respect. You need to know that what the two of you share is important and you need to base the decisions you make within that relationship accordingly.

Look at what you have together and what you have to lose if you break up. In a good relationship you should find your best friend along with your lover.

Your partner is the person that makes you laugh when you've had a bad day, hold you when you're crying and supports you through the bad times.

Along with the good times come the bad times and they alone will love you through it all. If everything they have to offer you is important to you, hold onto it and make it last.

You can't expect to go through your relationship wearing rose-tinted glasses. There will be good times and there will be bad times - it's just the way life is - but if you care enough about each other, you will make it through to the other side and be forever grateful to be able to go through life with your best friend at your side.