DISCUSSING ISSUES CAN SORT OUT DIFFERENCES

Dear Betsy, My wife and daughter have been in the UK on vacation since early July. I miss them terribly but we have only been here since March and I couldn't take time off work. I have been so looking forward to them returning this week but now my wife says she doesn't want to come back until November when it is cooler as our three-year-old finds the heat very uncomfortable.

My wife misses her family and friends, I know that, but we agreed to come out here to live after visiting last year, as financially it is a lot more attractive. It means my wife does not have to work and can spend time at home with our daughter, which she feels is very important. I agree with her but now I am alone here and it is lonely and difficult to get through the nights and weekends without them.

I feel so upset about this and I am wondering if this means my marriage is in trouble.

I fear that she may not want to come back out here. Betsy, what do you advise me to do?

Lonely Man

Dear Lonely Man,

I am sorry you are so lonely ... it must be especially difficult for you when you are relatively new to the kingdom and perhaps don't have many friends.

Yes, it is hot here right now and perhaps your daughter does feel the heat, but don't we all? I am sure you have air-conditioning at home, in your car and, of course, all shops, restaurants, cinemas are air-conditioned, so whilst I sympathise with those who don't tolerate the heat well, it is not life threatening to live here in the summer months, some one million of us do it!

I fear that maybe your wife has not adjusted fully to her new life and as you said she is missing her family and friends. Fair enough, have a nice holiday but come back to your hard working, loving husband who is alone working hard to support his family.

Perhaps you need to offer a compromise and suggest she stays an extra fortnight or so, but not until November, when she may find another excuse not to return.

The idea of your wife not working and staying at home with your daughter has its merits, but this may not have helped her to adjust to her new life very well, as she may have felt isolated, being at home, especially if she was used to working when you were in the UK.

Discuss this with her and perhaps she may want to consider working part-time or doing some voluntary work as many charities here welcome help in many ways.

Making new friends can be more difficult for some of us. If you are working long hours, then she might feel a bit neglected too.

You both need to discuss these issues and find a way to deal with them. Where there's a will, there's a way and you both have your daughter to consider and I am sure she is missing her dad.

Remember that we have a few days holiday over the Eid Al Fitr vacation at the end of September so if your family has not returned, then you could consider going to see them and working through whatever issues you have, face to face.

I know many believe that 'absence makes the heart grow fonder' but don't be too complacent, as there is another saying you would do well to heed - 'out of sight out of mind'.

I am not trying to scare you but, you did ask if this situation meant your marriage could be in trouble, so don't take chances.

I know I have said this before in one of my columns, but while you are feeling sorry for yourself, remember those poor bachelors who leave their families behind for years and years on end and bear the aching loneliness just to ensure their loved ones don't go hungry back home.

Dear Betsy,

I have been feeling very anxious and nervous for some months now and the doctor says I am having panic attacks. I don't want to take drugs as I am scared of getting addicted and my friend says that you often give advice on natural remedies for problems like this. What do you think will help me?

H.R.

Dear H.R.,

First of all let me reassure you that not all drugs are addictive and there are times when medically-prescribed drugs are the best option, even if it is just for a few days, so don't dismiss this option without asking your doctor lots of questions about the benefits and any potential side effects.

To help anxiety and panic attacks, it is important to try to recognise situations, people, places that seem to trigger these attacks and obviously to try to avoid them wherever possible.

You may not be able to pinpoint the attacks to anything specific so it is also important to find time to do things that relax you and make you happy.

Laughter is a great way to tackle anxiety, so get out your favourite comedy film and have a good old belly laugh.

Talking and just hanging out with trusted friends can also help as can focusing on things, places and people that make you happy.

Exercise can help as it releases endorphins which can elevate your mood and can also help regulate sleep patterns which means you are rested and more able to cope with everyday life.

A sleepless night or poor quality of sleep won't leave you equipped to cope with everyday life, so have a warm bath, unwind by reading in bed and use some lavender oil on your pillow.

There are many essential oils that can help relax you but the most important aspect of choosing the right oil for you, is that you love the aroma.

Lavender, bergamot, jasmine, chamomile, geranium, valerian, sandalwood, frankincense and marjoram can all help relax and calm you.

You can put a drop or two on a tissue and simply inhale deeply, you can burn some oils in an aroma burner or use an electric diffuser and you can add them to a cup of full fat milk and put them in your bath or mix seven drops of your chosen oil/s in a tablespoon of sweet almond oil and use this as a massage oil on your chest, tummy, head and neck.

My favourite oil for an instant panic attack fix has got to be frankincense, as it slows down your respiratory rate within a few seconds and often during a panic attack our breathing rate increases resulting in hyper-ventilation and leaving you feeling giddy and light headed. If this is one of your symptoms, then try breathing into a paper bag or cover your mouth and nose with your clasped hands to help regulate the carbon dioxide/oxygen exchange and you will quickly feel better.

Long term, it is important to look at your lifestyle and try to recognise your 'stressors' and find ways to deal with them.

Eating sensible, nutritious food, drinking enough water and getting enough quality sleep and some regular exercise and 'me' time will all help you deal with anxiety.

If you are worried about certain things try talking them over with your partner, family, doctor or religious leader. Sometimes the most important thing you can do is learn to say 'no' to other people's demands and learn to love and respect yourself a bit more. Not easy, I know, but if we don't learn to love and respect ourselves first, then we may find that we ourselves are in such a state that we are unable to take care of our loved ones and function normally in everyday life.

Give yourself a break and be nicer to yourself. You deserve it.

BETSY SAYS RELAX

Let off steam by exercising your lungs ... silently. Silent screaming while punching the air is the latest successful stress management technique, according to the experts.

They recommend closing your eyes and screaming silently as hard as you can whilst simultaneously furiously punching the air. Personally, I don't get it, my motto is 'if you don't occasionally explode then all that stress will implode' and we all know how bad that can be. So, take my advice and get yourself off somewhere private and scream your head off as loudly as you can ... it works for me every time!

IF ONLY YOU DO ONE THING THIS WEEK

Rejoice! The kids are back to school and will leave you in peace to get back to the gym/supermarket/shopping mall in your own sweet time.

On the other hand, lament the fact that the roads will be mega-congested again and you will waste half your day stuck in traffic. Never mind, see my advice above about stress management.