Flip through the latest issue of Gulf Weekly.
I was talking to a friend this morning who said that she'd been to offer condolences over the weekend and that although she was glad she'd attended, she found it uncomfortable to know what to say and do.
I couldn't blame her really, it's something none of us want to face but also something none of us can turn our backs on. Having gone through the last 14 months or so, during which at least nine people I know have lost someone they love, I can't even say it ever gets any easier.
Death is the only certainty in life and all of us at some stage have to deal with it. Whether we're the person bereaved or someone we care about is suffering the loss, it's an inescapable part of life. With that said, you would think that when the time comes, you'd know what to say and do but no matter how much we all know that it's a simple fact of life, it's still something we're rarely prepared for.
It's hard to know how to react or what to do to help someone going through a loss and more often than not we don't think there is anything we can do and on some levels there really isn't. You can't make it better for the person or take their pain away and you can't bring their loved one back, but what you can do is be there for them. And that's really all a person in mourning needs - on an emotional level anyway.
On a practical level you need to just offer your assistance in any way they may need it, be it making arrangements for the funeral or going to the supermarket for them when they don't feel up to leaving the house. You need to be their shoulder to lean on for everything and anything and, no matter how stressful it may become for you, you need to do it with a smile on your face and leave your own mental breakdown for when you're not around them.
What you can do for them on a practical level is important but more important is the emotional help you can give.
First, and foremost, you need to be there for them, whether that means leaving them alone when they ask or just sitting with them in companionable silence for hours at a time. Listen. You don't need to say anything - there really isn't anything you can say that will make the situation any better and filling the void with inane platitudes like 'life must go on' and 'they're in a better place' only comforts you, not them, and will only serve to irritate them.
Let the person talk as much or as little as they want, listen to what they have to say and don't pretend to have all the answers - if they want to know why this has happened, don't try to explain it away. Nine times out of 10 it's a rhetorical question that comes from the pain they're feeling but if they really seem to be looking to you for the answer the best thing to do is give them the honest truth: 'I don't know why'.
Time, patience and understanding are everything and can go a very long way towards helping your friend heal.
