Flip through the latest issue of Gulf Weekly.
I touched briefly on spousal abuse last week and it got me to thinking about how big a problem domestic abuse is around the world. Rich or poor, young or old, black or white, violence is one of the things that spans every race, culture and creed irrespective of boundaries.
Violence in all its forms is abhorrent but the simple fact of the matter is that it happens everywhere you look - and don't look for that matter - and while many of us would like to think we don't know anyone that is a victim of domestic abuse, the statistics show that we probably know quite a few and just aren't aware of it. Even more surprising to some is the fact that not all victims are female.
According to the Home Office Crime in England and Wales report for the year 2006-07, there were over 407,000 reported cases of domestic abuse, 93,000 (23 per cent) of which were male victims.
The figure of 407,000 a year translates to an average of 1,115 a day. That's 46.5 an hour. Whichever way you look at it, the problem is far more wide-spread that any of us would like to think - especially when you take into account that 42 per cent of female murder victims were killed by a current or former partner.
In the United States, domestic violence is the leading cause of injury to women between the ages of 15 and 44, with one woman being beaten by her partner ever 15 seconds or so. More women fall prey to this particular type of violence than muggings, rapes and car accidents combined. It's quite frankly mind boggling!
It's a common misconception that domestic abuse equates to regular and severe beatings but the truth of the matter is that abuse is a means of gaining power or control over another person.
Any form of assault, be it physical harm, forced intercourse or even just the fear of physical harm, all constitute domestic abuse. It's something that affects the entire family irrespective of if only (and I use the term subjectively) one person in the household is the actual victim because any witness to the fact or after-effects is affected by it.
Another common misconception is that it is just a one-time thing and first time victims will often convince themselves that it won't happen again but the truth is, if it's happened once it WILL happen again ... and again with the abuser professing how sorry they are and the victim believing them, forgiving them and falling victim once again.
Recognising the signs:
You might not want to believe that you're a victim, telling yourself that it's something that happens to other people and that your case is just an isolated incident of an argument gone wrong but you need to look deeper at patterns of behaviour to really see what's going on.
Violence towards you or your children is an obvious sign but there are a lot more you can look out for. Do you make excuses to minimise your partner's responsive behaviour? Are you limited in what you're allowed to do and/or does your partner hide your keys, mail or phone to stop you having contact with the outside world? Do you make excuse to others for why you have cuts or bruises? Do you make excuses to yourself for your partner's behaviour claiming stress, alcohol or anything else for the reason you've been abused? Is your partner overly jealous and always accusing you of cheating even though they can pretty much account for 100 per cent of your time? Does your partner humiliate to control you in private or in public?
It's worth keeping in mind that there's a general pattern of progression for domestic violence and the sooner you recognise the signs the sooner you can take yourself out of it:
Stage one: Verbal abuse, threatening, increased tension, arguments and anger are all good signs that something's wrong. Throwing, hitting or breaking objects is common at this stage and almost all abusers who hit or break objects eventually resort to battering.
Stage two: Pushing, shoving, grabbing and restraining.
Stage three: Slapping, kicking, pinching and pulling hair.
Stage four: Sever violence that includes pushing, choking, beating with objects, rape by intimidation and even the use of weapons.
After all of which comes the calm after the storm, where the abuser will apologise, rationalise and promise to never to do it again and the victim will often feel so sorry for the abuser that they will end up doing the consoling, making excuses and taking the blame for their partner's actions.
Recognising the signs is the first step and many might say it's the hardest because no one wants to believe that someone they love is capable of hurting them so badly but therein lies the biggest clue: If someone truly loves you (rather than just wanting to control you), they would never being able to treat you in such a way.
To be honest I've really only just touched the tip of the iceberg on this subject but I'm all out of space for this week so we'll just leave it as a 'to be continued...'
