Be patient with abuse victims

I was going to leave the next instalment of my domestic violence article for another couple of weeks but in light of recent reports regarding volunteers training in skills to help victims of abuse, I figured this would be a good time to go on.

It's such a big problem and saturation awareness is the only way to really get people to take it seriously for longer than the few minutes it takes to read an article, be appalled by what you've read and then forget all about it.

Last time I talked about how many victims won't admit, even to themselves, that there's a problem in the first place and I went on to list the signs that something serious is going on. It's important for any victim reading this to understand, it is NEVER your fault. An abuser is an abuser and will almost NEVER change.

You can be doing everything in your power to make sure they have nothing to get angry and beat you about but the truth of the matter is that they will ALWAYS find a reason - even if it's something as inane as your welcoming smile when they walked in the door wasn't big enough or the coffee you served them was too hot. If need be they'll make a reason up.

But what can people on the outside do to help someone they know is in trouble? Turning a blind eye and pretending nothing is going on in order not to get involved in someone else's problems is a surprisingly common way for people to react but you have to bear in mind that with the smallest of changes in your life, the victim could be you or your daughter or even your brother and to ignore it could result in the worst possible outcome for the victim.

As hard as it might be for many of us to understand why someone would stay in an abusive relationship, victims have their very real reasons for doing so and weakness isn't top of the list. They might stay for fear of reprisal against them and/or the children if they try to leave. They might blame themselves for the abuse and believe that the abuser couldn't manage without them.

It could also be for religious reasons or because they don't want to break up a family. Whatever the reason and however much we can't fully understand it, the reason is very real to them and getting away from an abusive cycle is always a lot harder than it looks on paper.

If you do know someone who's being abused but know they're not ready to walk away from it yet, there is still plenty you can do to help them. Be prepared to listen to them when they need someone to talk to. No matter how many times you hear the same thing and get frustrated by their refusal to do anything about it, keep listening and being caring because as afraid as they may be to leave the abuse, it will only be worse for them if they don't have anyone to talk to about it.

This will be seriously frustrating for you as your natural instinct will be to want to talk to/ shout at/ threaten the abuser in an attempt to protect the victim but doing so will only serve to anger the abuser who will then take it out on the victim further. A habitual abuser may be mortified into stopping for a short time if they know that someone else knows what's going on but in the end they will just go right back to abusing their victim, this time making sure that the victim is unable or too scared to talk to anyone about it. So listen and keep listening for as long as it takes.

Keep a diary of abuse where you make a note of the time and date that the victim has been abused, with a detailed account of the abuse. If possible take pictures of the cuts and bruises, date and time them and keep them in the diary also.

One day the victim may be ready to do something about the abuse and the proof you've got will go a long way to helping in any prosecution that may take place. God forbid, the worst should happen and the victim ends up dead, your detailed account may be the only thing to secure a conviction.

Get any and all information you can on how your victim can move on and keep it at hand for the day they're ready as any uncertainty or hesitation in knowing what to do may make them change their mind about leaving. Know the law and what and where the victim can get help and be prepared to set the plan in motion as soon as the victim is ready.

In many cases, getting away from a violent and frightening abuser means having to walk out the door at a moment's notice while the abuser's back is turned with nothing but the clothes on their backs, so if you can convince them to keep important documents like passports, children's birth certificates etc ... in one easy to reach location along with some money and a suitcase with a few basic needs, it may come in very useful when the time comes.

Other than all of this, the most important thing you can do is make sure they know you're there for them anytime they need you.

And remember, the statistics may vary slightly depending on where you look but an average of one in four women is the victim of domestic violence at some point in their life so if you know more than four women the chances are someone you know and love is a victim - whether you can believe it or not.