It hurts to leave my best friend

Dear Betsy, I really need someone's help to solve my problem and I think you can help me.

I am going back to India soon and feel totally confused.

I have a best friend who I love a lot but she is the reason for my sadness and happiness.

I have a very soft heart and when someone hurts me it's something I cannot bear.

My best friend means a lot to me because she understands me well but also hurts me. Whenever I have a problem I always share it with her but when I know she has a problem she doesn't want to tell and I always have to force her to tell.

She makes me cry and also makes me smile but I don't really understand her! I have cried a lot because of what she does at times.

I feel like just going fast from Bahrain to India because of her but I know deep inside my heart that I don't want that and now I am so confused.

My mind says one thing and my heart says something else.

Our friendship has been strong for around three years. But she is one of those who can break a friendship if her parents say to because she is scared of them, especially her dad.

She is rarely allowed to use the phone unless it is a special occasion.

Should I try to forget her or continue to be in touch with her even after I leave. I don't ever want to hurt her feelings but what can I do?

Please help me.

NK.

Dear NK,

What a lovely, caring friend you are. Your friend is lucky that you care about her so much and I am sure she knows it.

Don't leave without trying to contact her. It sounds to me like she really needs a friend like you.

If her parents are strict with her and she is unable to contact you, then I am sure she values your contact even more when you do call her.

We are all different NK and not all of us are able or comfortable with sharing our feelings in the way that you are.

You like to share your worries but not everyone does. Your friend may come from a family where showing emotion or sharing feelings does not come easily. Personally, I firmly believe that 'a problem shared is a problem halved' ... but not everyone would agree.

If she is from a very conservative family, then she may have been taught that it is not proper to share personal feelings or problems. You should not take it personally that she can't or won't share things with you.

If she does say things that make you cry then maybe she is just telling you the truth as she sees it, and none of us likes criticism, however kindly it may be meant. Have you considered that maybe you are being just a teensy weensy bit too sensitive?

I would urge you to remain in touch with her when you leave. Time will take care of things. If she reciprocates and keeps in touch (remember the telephone is not the only way to communicate, letters, emails and text messages work too) despite the distance, then all well and good.

If she doesn't answer you then at least you know where you stand with her and your friendship. Also, perhaps when you arrive in India and settle down, you may find that you no longer have the time or inclination to keep in touch with her.

It is normal to feel a bit of a wrench when you have to leave familiar things behind and face up to a new phase in your life, such as moving to India. It is normal to feel a bit apprehensive about this.

It sounds like you are a young woman, and meeting people and learning how to read and develop relationships with different people on different levels is not something you learn overnight NK.

It takes a life-time to understand how to juggle human emotions, egos, beliefs and expectations, whether the person concerned is a friend, relative, colleague or neighbour. That is one of the things that makes life so fascinating. Unfortunately, enduring a bit of heartache along the way seems to be one of the ways we humans learn to navigate the path of real life.

IT is always possible to take away something positive from a friendship no matter how negative it may turn out.

If life has taught me one thing it is "'what goes around, comes around' so continue to dish out your goodness and have faith in human nature, as it will always surprise you when you least expect it.

Earlier this week, I read a column in our sister paper the Gulf Daily News, by Bahrain's favourite columnist Anwar Abdulrahman. In it, he quoted from Rudyard Kipling's poem, 'IF'. I have always found this to be a very inspirational piece. I urge you to read it and keep a copy of it handy. It has come in very useful to me throughout my life.

Good luck in India and remember to visit us every week at www.gulfweekly.com

If

If you can keep your head when all about you

Are losing theirs and blaming it on you;

If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,

But make allowance for their doubting too;

If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,

Or being lied about, don't deal in lies,

Or being hated, don't give way to

hating,

And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise;

If you can dream - and not make dreams your master;

If you can think - and not make thoughts your aim,

If you can meet with triumph and

disaster

And treat those two imposters just the same...

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,

Or walk with Kings - nor lose the common touch,

If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,

If all men count with you, but none too much;

If you can fill the unforgiving minute

With sixty seconds worth of distance run,

Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,

And - which is more - you'll be a Man my son!

Rudyard Kipling

IF YOU ONLY DO ONE THING THIS WEEK

Read Rudyard Kipling's famous poem, 'If'. I learned this at school many moons ago and have never forgotten it.

I wonder how many young people have heard of it today, never mind able to quote from it. Teach it to your children and grandchildren. Leave it lying around for your testy other half to read ... it can be very thought provocative.