Valentine day twist

It's that time of year again. Flowers, chocolates, teddy bears holding hearts and romantic candlelight dinners for two.

For some Valentine's Day sends butterflies of excitement soaring in their stomachs but for others that feeling is more like a cold block of ice of depression at the thought that they have no one to share this most traditional of love days.

Normally I write about love and romance and planning the perfect date on a budget, or some such thing.

But if you don't know how to be romantic then you don't deserve your loved one anyway.

This year I dedicate my page to all of you for whom the words love and romance fill you with dread, in the hopes that you'll realise that you're better off without that special someone (you're not really but we can pretend for a day, anyway). Here's a little humour to help you on your way:

A young woman was taking an afternoon nap. After she woke up, she told her husband: "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day. What do you think it means?"

"You'll know tonight," he said.

That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it - only to find a book entitled 'The meaning of dreams'.

-_Courtesy of ahajokes.com

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing 'love' stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.

His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says: "I'm sending out one thousand Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"

"But why?" asks the man.

"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.

-_ahajokes.com

Her husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he said: "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business fell, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. When I think about it now ... I think you bring me bad luck!"

- theholidayspot.com

Phil, a smart and handsome young man, dressed in the latest fashion, walked into this local pub. He noticed a woman gazing at him without blinking her big eyes. Phil felt flattered so he walked up to the woman and said in his deepest voice: "I'll do anything you wish, beautiful lady, for just £10 but on one condition."

The woman appeared to be trapped in the moment and asked as if in a trance: "What's your condition?"

Phil answered: "Tell me your wish in just three words."

There was a long pause, the woman opened her purse, counted out the money and handed it to the man along with her address. She then looked deeply into his eyes and whispered, "Clean my house."

-_guysports.com