Footing the bill for 'sexting'

Dear Betsy, I JUST finished reading this week's topic 'sexting shocker' and put my jogger on and left for a long, angry walk.

Just a month or so ago, I found out my husband had had a 'just a friendship' kind of relationship with one lady he met on his way to Dubai in the airplane. Just like last week's letter, (according to him) it was just a friendly chat (over the telephone) they were having for nearly a year without my knowledge!

Betsy, my problem right now is, (I am least bothered about whatever relationship he had with that lady) I can't forget about the whole thing. I am uncomfortable going out with him thinking he might not be enjoying my company. I can't come forward and express my feelings anymore. Whatever I do, whereever I go, back of my mind something always bothers me.

It reminds me of the night I found out about her. The angry letter she wrote to my husband in order to convince him to dump me and have a relationship with her. I don't feel the same anymore. I feel 'small' all the time.

We are trying to do things that you have advised the other lady but I found every time I go out with him, I keep on raising the same issue. I think it's easier to say 'let go'. My question is, should I just let go the whole situation or should I do what my heart feels! I think the biggest hurdle I am facing after coming across this situation, I can't share or talk about it with anyone. It's making me depressed.

No Name.

Dear No Name,

I am sorry that reading last week's article brought back such bad memories for you. It sounds to me like you are battling bravely through this. Your husband should be ashamed of himself. What sort of feeble excuse for a man would behave in such a way with a woman who was a stranger to him and treat his wife so shamefully.

He is the one who should be feeling 'small', not you.

The reason he did this points to something lacking in HIM, not in you, so put that right out of your head.

Lots of men (and women) would like to have their cake and eat it. It never works out, trust me, and anyone who is stupid enough to think it will, is in for a rude awakening.

He needs a good short, sharp, shock and made to realise that he cannot treat you like this. It is important that he gets this message loud and clear otherwise I fear he may think he 'got way with it' and in time could be tempted to indulge in a repeat performance, unless he believes the consequences are too horrible to contemplate. He needs to know exactly how you feel and that you are seriously considering leaving him. (Perhaps you should for a while ... a bit of distance could help you think more clearly and bring him to his senses when he has a taste of what life would be like without having you around.

I do not know if you have children, but I think if you did then you would have mentioned them in your email. So, if you do not have kids, then you could walk away from your marriage a bit more easily, but is this what you really want?

My intuition is telling me it is not ... not yet. Like most women, you want your marriage to succeed; otherwise, regardless of the fact that you are blameless, you would feel it was a personal failure. Women are unfortunately programmed like that. Men, unfortunately, are not.

Try to talk this over with a trusted friend or family member or even your physician. If you really can't bring yourself to talk directly to your husband then why not write him a letter?

You may find it easier to express yourself in this way and perhaps when he sees your angst in black and white he will come to his senses, apologise, and learn a lesson that infidelity, even in a 'sexting' relationship, is just not acceptable.

What do other readers think?

Dear Betsy,

I TOO suffered the shock of reading about my husband's extra marital life in a text message. He is normally loving and thoughtful and it totally left me feeling shattered.

It was a double shock because he was not having a 'sex text' relationship with another woman ... it was a man. I never thought of him as a gay or effeminate - he is macho, plays rugby, and won't wear anything remotely pink.

It was three days before I could confront him about it. The other man is a family friend and is also married.

My husband at first swore it was just a prank but later admitted it was serious. He says he can't help himself and does not want to pretend anymore.

After a nightmare week of tears and anger, he has moved out. I never saw this coming, I still can't believe it and try to tell myself it could not have been anything I did or did not do, but that is not easy, Betsy. Four years of marriage feel like nothing now. At 28 I know I am young enough to move on, but where to, and how?

AVB.

Dear AVB,

After so many years of working with the public, I pride myself in not being easily shocked. Your email, however, did make me gasp when I read it.

I can't begin to imagine the shock and pain you have gone through since reading those texts.

Facing up to your sexuality is never an easy thing and as teenagers, most of us manage to muddle through, and find ourselves.

Some people go through their whole lives living a lie about their sexuality and never find true happiness.

Your husband may have been too afraid to face the truth and felt pressured to conform to 'normality' or at least his family and peers' version of what construes normality.

He must have been living under tremendous pressure, but I am not making excuses for him. He has hurt you badly and needs to understand that.

You should not be questioning your judgement, he has learned to live a lie and has probably become very good at it though necessity.

Yes, at 28 years old you are still young enough to make a new life for yourself. It won't be easy, but try to view this in a positive way AVB. Imagine if this had happened when you were 58?

You will find it difficult for a while and I urge you to consider having some counselling to help you face up to this and help you progress through life with a new purpose.

Dear Betsy,

HEY, you are an angry woman. I bet you're divorced and never found another man. Life is not perfect, not everyone lives a storybook life and if you don't want to see things that upset you then don't read someone-else's message.

Last week's letter writer asked for trouble. Anyhow, it's only for fun and a way to relive the tension of life. Did you consider that it will excite him and help him give his wife a good time after? Maybe she is a boring wife.

He is stupid not to keep his phone with him. I always do and I delete my fun messages.

If you think texting is bad then maybe you need to get out more and stop writing so much nonsense.

Proud Text Man.

Dear Proud Text Man,

I WONDER if the letter from No Name (above) is from your wife ... it wouldn't surprise me.

Neanderthal - that is the word that sums you up nicely. I can think of another few appropriate words, but couldn't print them in a family newspaper. However, I am nothing if not creative and given to the odd cryptic comment.

Here goes.

Take the word commonly used to describe a gentleman who works in a financial institute and replace the first letter of this word with the 23rd letter of the alphabet then you will find it sums up my feelings about your email perfectly!