Arrrr we done?

Hello, my name’s Charlie and I’m a Depp-aholic. I’ve been a Johnny Depp fan for as long as I can remember. I love JD so much I sat through Rango from start to finish, even though every fibre of my being begged me to get up and leave.

I’m addicted to his esoteric charm, talent and inventiveness. I am a true fan and that’s why this is so hard to say … Johnny, you let the side down with this one!

When the first Pirates movie (Curse of the Black Pearl) hit the big screen in 2003 I (and several million others) fell in love with Depp’s character Captain Jack Sparrow, the neer-do-well scallywag of the seven seas.

There was something intrinsically likeable about the character, he was entertaining, original and hilariously funny.

The success of this character is largely responsible for the onslaught of sequels that preceded the original film.

That leads us to now, with the fourth installment On Stranger Tides, which was (I’m sad to say) the biggest waste of money and talent since Charlie Sheen’s infamous 36-hour bender.

In this adventure, Captain Jack gets mixed up in a bizarre and convoluted race to find the fabled fountain of youth. After being tricked by Angelica (his jilted lover), Jack is forced to guide the infamously nasty pirate Blackbeard and his crew of slaves and zombies to the fountain.

It transpires that Angelica is Blackbeard’s daughter and she wants to find the fountain to save her father’s life after hearing a prophesy that he will soon die.

Hot on their heels are the British and the Spanish who are in competition with each other to get there first. The King of England has pardoned Captain Barbossa and commissioned him to take control of a British ship and sent him on a mission to find Jack.

There are several rituals that need to be completed before the fountain’s power can be unleashed and that leads us to … mermaid tears, yes, you read that correctly!

The motley crew must find and capture a mermaid to harvest her tears for the ritual, but it turns out that these sea divas are deadlier than the loveable redhead from Disney’s last depiction.

Add to the mix, a misguided missionary who engages in a lackluster relationship with the slippery seductress, a mind-blowing special effects budget and you have the basic plot of this twohour fiasco.

It seems like Depp was tasked with carrying the whole film on his shoulders since the departure of original cast members Orlando Bloom and Keira Knightly. The addition of Penelope
Cruz was either going to be hit or miss and, although she is a great actress, she brought nothing to the film that wasn’t written in the script.

This franchise is getting tired really quickly with potential box office profits proving more irresistible than a decent storyline.

The only real pirates here are the film’s producers who, in my opinion, have successfully swashbuckled people out of their hard-earned money to see this phenomenally disappointing movie.

Would I go and see a fifth installment? No, frankly … I’d rather walk the plank.