Bringing up children

A few weeks ago, I had an experience that inspired me to write this article. It’s a divisive topic and one close to my heart.

It was my birthday and we went out for a family meal to celebrate.
 
My son is allergic to milk and, over a period of time, I realised that sometimes his symptoms show up immediately in the form of rashes and itching, but other times he is perfectly fine.

I discussed the issue with his paediatrician and was told that it is a condition he will likely get over in a matter of time and I should let him eat whatever he wants. If he shows symptoms of an allergic reaction I have been advised to give him anti-allergenic medicine.
 
In light of this advice, when we went to the restaurant for my birthday meal, I did not stop him from eating chicken cooked in yoghurt or drinking sweet milk.

Unfortunately, he started vomiting immediately and my husband took him to the restroom while I sat there, of course, feeling guilty about letting him order the dish.

When he was feeling better and stopped feeling ill I paid the bill but on gathering my things I heard someone on a nearby table, say: “That is what happens when you stuff your kid full of food.”

I understand the episode must have interrupted their meal but instead of asking whether we needed any help, they simply judged us on a matter they didn’t understand.

It reminded me of what one of my tutors told me during my research days, that parenting is one of the most judged aspects in society. Parents also blame themselves if something goes ‘wrong’ when they are with their children in public.

On one occasion a toddler caught my attention whilst out with his mother. He was demanding something and she was saying no. He did not like the ‘no’ and started stamping his feet and shaking his hands. The moment the mother realised that I was watching she became angry and slapped the child saying ‘you want to show others that I have not taught you good manners’.

The smack stopped the child from stamping his feet but he looked at his mum in confusion, as if to say: ‘I didn’t know that stamping my feet would mean all these different things’.

While some parents may think their children act up to make them look bad, the reality is they are not even aware of the social pressure, or the anxiety, their behaviour can cause you.

Every parent wants to do the best for their children, but everyone has limits; people get tired, make mistakes and sometimes they get judged. I know how it feels.

However, it’s not other people’s judgment that is important, it’s how you judge yourself as a parent. Instead of judging yourself for yelling at your child, think about what is making you react in that manner, be aware of your own emotions. If it is tiredness, take a break before lashing out; ask a friend or family member to help. If it is an uncontrollable outburst, then it may be time to take some professional help.

You can’t stop people from talking about your parenting style, but what you can do is become more confident about your parenting style, educate yourself and work on yourself.

Here is an example. I had a client who came to me with a complaint that she was unable to understand what was making her anxious. She said everything was fine but she always felt tense.

During counselling we discovered that she was scared of making mistakes when it came to bringing up her child. She said: “‘I think I am a perfectionist and don’t want anybody to point their finger at my parenting skills.”

The next step was to help her accept that she had limits and it was OK to make mistakes.

The moment she accepted this, she was able to overcome her anxiousness and feel more confident as a parent.

When we are confident that we are responsible parents, the judgment of strangers doesn’t affect us so negatively. We learn from each mistake and, at the same time, teach our children how to deal with situations without blaming others or getting worked up.

Dr Puja Taneja Malhotra,
Ph.D. Psychology,
Psychological Consultant, Trainer & Coach.