London’s appalling!

How could it possibly go wrong? How can you mess up having Gerard Butler rampaging around London beating up bad guys while some of the world’s most famous landmarks crumple into dust? Heck, how can you have Morgan Freeman in a film and still fail?

Somehow, London Has Fallen manages all of the above.

Three years ago, Olympus Has Fallen was released to polarising opinion, but I for one liked it. Seeing ex-secret service agent Mike Banning (Butler) busting into the White House to save the US President (Aaron Eckhart) was a fast-paced, thrilling delight that was over-the-top, but in the right places and never took itself too seriously.

Fast-forward to the sequel, however, and we have a bargain-bin version of Die Hard, and Butler is no Bruce Willis. Stripped of its humour, charisma and any microcosm of intelligence, this is a violent jaunt through the streets of England’s capital that fails to inspire.

When the Prime Minister of Britain dies suddenly of mysterious circumstances, the country is in mass mourning (our US script-writing friends clearly didn’t do their research, then …) and all of the world leaders gather to attend the funeral.

Why the characters couldn’t put two-and-two together and realise that a healthy middle-aged man doesn’t randomly drop dead a few months after a major attack on his counterpart in the White House is anybody’s guess, but they decide to show up at the funeral anyway instead of sending a bouquet and a note of commiseration.

Cue the MASSIVE SURPRISE! Despite heavy security, a deadly plot to kill the world leaders is revealed and chaos ensues. Obviously, as there are no British secret service or policemen competent enough to stop it (as the film would have us believe), salvation rests on the shoulders of the only muscly, stone-faced American around. Ironically played by a Scotsman, but we are meant to forget this oversight.

Banning teams up with Eckhart’s Benjamin Asher, who gets much more of a showing this time, and Vice President Allan Trumbull (Morgan Freeman) to stop the bad guys before they can enact their new world order.

What follows is pretty much a live-action version of Team America: World Police, the theme tune of which is an office favourite at GulfWeekly. Sadly, unlike the side-splitting hilarity that film provided, there are no jokes here (intentional ones, anyway) and somehow the acting is more wooden despite real humans rather than puppets operating in front of the camera.

Considering the budget and the audience the film is targeted at, you’d at least expect the visual effects to be outstanding, or at the very least, convincing. But surprisingly, they’re cheap-as-chips and in some places pitiful. One helicopter crash into an iconic London bridge looked like a video-game cutscene, while another similar event had an explosion which would even look out of place in a primetime episodic TV series.

The annoying thing is that this could have been a really enjoyable action romp. The first film didn’t pull up any trees, but it had me digging down to the depths of my popcorn bucket as it seared along at a frenetic pace.

For example, Asher gets to tag along with Banning for most of the movie this time as the latter is tasked with safely escorting his boss out of the country instead of rescuing him from a hostage situation. As a result, Eckhart plays a more central role here and gets to flex his own considerable muscles by getting in on the action.

In most films, this would be a great opportunity for some ‘bromance’ or buddy-cop humour, but director Najafi plays it dead straight. Aside from a couple of satisfying co-op kills, they exist independently as they punch and shoot terrorists, only occasionally coming together to plan their next move and advance the plot.

Similarly, Freeman’s Trumball exists as an exposition-dump, video-calling both the good guys and bad guys alike from the Situation Room as he tries to mediate events. It’s a wasted opportunity, although at least he still has his amazing gift of making dialogue sound a lot cooler than it actually is and standing out among his peers.

Ultimately, London Has Fallen wastes its considerable talent and premise by going as loud and dumb as possible. Occasionally there’s a flicker of life that indicates business might pick up, but it’s snuffed out with terrible CGI and a way-too-serious script littered with unintentionally-hilarious lines.

If you are desperate to see an American one-man army cut a swathe through half the population of a Middle-Eastern country, then break out the box sets of one of the greatest TV shows ever made: 24. Don’t waste your time with this.

Showing at Novo Cinemas, Cineco, Seef I & II, Saar, Al Jazira, Dana Cineplex

Rating: 2/5