Education Matters

Recently an eight-year-old boy came up to me in the playground and said that he had been beaten up ‘without good reason’.  Presumably, if there had been a good reason the boy wouldn’t have complained, he would have taken his punishment safe in the knowledge that he thoroughly deserved it.

I figured, therefore, that he wasn’t upset about the smack in the mouth, more because he could see no reason for it!

After a deep and detailed investigation of the matter by social workers, teachers and coordinators, it turned out that he did deserve it because he had thrown the first punch, apparently ‘for no apparent reason’. It also seemed that this little boy was quite handy with his fists and thoroughly enjoyed a good punch up, provoked or not.

Now all of this got me thinking. Why is it, that one child sees this type of aggression as acceptable, whereas others don’t? As always, the answers to such issues always start and end with the family. You would presume that if the father makes a habit of punching other people, then any developing mind would see that as normal and would, therefore, copy him to make him proud … but this is by no means always the case.

Sometimes, children become violent to get attention and other times they kick off out of sheer frustration but, whatever the reason, a child who starts a fight is usually seeking, or in need, of help. 

Children soak up what they see around them and then make sense of it at their own levels of maturity. At the younger end of the age spectrum, children investigate boundaries through touch and the reactions that they get. 

Younger children learn from the reactions of their parents and as a result will continue with such behaviours, or not depending on the level and quality of the parenting they receive. If a parent shows no interest then it is likely the child will continue with such behaviours until they get the reaction they crave.

What’s interesting in all of this is that fighting is actually an abnormal thing to do. Wrestling and play fighting are a common way of learning about space and what your body can do, but it is rare that this type of behaviour grows into something menacing.  What is important though is how parents and teachers educate children on violence.

For example, asking children if they think it is ever right to hit someone will field an entirely different response if it is asked of adults. This is because schools will uniformly say that all violence is wrong and all perpetrators should be punished. 

There is absolutely nothing wrong with this stance as a harmonious and understanding school environment is always better than a hostile one, but likewise, it isn’t altogether realistic. With regard to the original question, most adults, including myself, will tell you something entirely different and this because we know that the world can be a terribly ugly place. 

I was raised with a variety of interpersonal skills that could be used to avoid a fight at all costs. I was also raised never, ever to start a fight but to stand up for myself if I had to and, if someone hit me, I was to hit them back twice as hard. 

Now for those who know my parents, this was surprisingly good parenting and as advice goes, it has served me well. I have also passed it on to my own three boys, all of whom I hope are benefitting from it in the same way that I did and are growing into self-confident young men.

Working out why children are sometimes violent is a detailed, complex study, so in this spirit, going back to the outraged eight-year-old that was beaten up ‘without good reason’, after a chat with his parents and the boy himself about the causes of his violent outbursts, it turned out that he had been attending an MMA class and had become quite the young star. 

His teacher, however, hadn’t taught him the value of self-control and had been encouraging him to use his skills, which he did, as often as he could, because he’s eight and that’s what eight-year-olds do, unless they are advised otherwise.